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Fantasizing about divorce may provide a needed feeling of freedom. During a
crisis or during a particularly bad time in a marriage, reminding yourself that you
can always leave can be a reassuring thought. On the other hand, ongoing
fantasies about divorce may indicate that you're stuck in a dynamic from which
you don't know how to escape, and need more help to solve.
#2 THE FREQUENCY OF YOUR NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES FAR OUTWEIGHS
THE NUMBER OF YOUR POSITIVE EXPERIENCES WITH EACH OTHER
Marital researcher John Gottman found that in successful marriages, there are 5 positive
exchanges for every negative. If the negative consistently outweigh the positive, your marriage
may be in trouble.
#3 YOU NEVER CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER
Confiding in your spouse and having your spouse confide in you is an important way to relieve
stress, strengthen your bond, and maintain a healthy "us against the world" mentality. A lack
of confiding may be a warning sign that there's an insufficient amount of trust in the marriage.
#4 ONE OR BOTH OF YOU ENGAGES IN ONGOING CONTEMPT, CRITICISM,
DEFENSIVENESS, OR STONEWALLING
Research shows that couples who frequently use these defenses are more at risk for divorce
than couples who rarely use them. While conflict is unavoidable, couples need to learn healthy
ways ot expressing their complaints.
#5 YOU ENGAGE IN THE "PURSUER-DISTANCER" DYNAMIC
In this dynamic, one person in the marriage constantly pursues the other for more
closesness, confiding, or time together while the other constantly avoids interaction. Over time,
the pursuer gets more desperate, hurt, and angry and the distancer gets more sullen, shut
down, and rejecting.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
* Take responsibility for your part of the dynamic. This means learning how to communicate,
be assertive, act generously, and own your character flaws.
* If you often have a conversation in your head about divorce, you should let your partner in on
it while there's still time to save your marriage. One large study found that 25% of men were
completely surprised when their wives served them with divorce papers. And 75% of the time
women initiate divorce.
* Seek professional help. Just because it feels hopeless doesn't always mean that it is.
* Make efforts to confide in your partner. Even if you're frustrated with the state of your
marriage, confiding is a demonstration of need and trust; this behavior may help to get your
relationship on a better footing.
* If you engage in the pursuer-distance dynamic, try switching your role. If you've been a
pursuer, back off for the next 2 months and see if your partner comes to you. If you're a
distancer, try approaching your partner much more consistently.
crisis or during a particularly bad time in a marriage, reminding yourself that you
can always leave can be a reassuring thought. On the other hand, ongoing
fantasies about divorce may indicate that you're stuck in a dynamic from which
you don't know how to escape, and need more help to solve.
#2 THE FREQUENCY OF YOUR NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES FAR OUTWEIGHS
THE NUMBER OF YOUR POSITIVE EXPERIENCES WITH EACH OTHER
Marital researcher John Gottman found that in successful marriages, there are 5 positive
exchanges for every negative. If the negative consistently outweigh the positive, your marriage
may be in trouble.
#3 YOU NEVER CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER
Confiding in your spouse and having your spouse confide in you is an important way to relieve
stress, strengthen your bond, and maintain a healthy "us against the world" mentality. A lack
of confiding may be a warning sign that there's an insufficient amount of trust in the marriage.
#4 ONE OR BOTH OF YOU ENGAGES IN ONGOING CONTEMPT, CRITICISM,
DEFENSIVENESS, OR STONEWALLING
Research shows that couples who frequently use these defenses are more at risk for divorce
than couples who rarely use them. While conflict is unavoidable, couples need to learn healthy
ways ot expressing their complaints.
#5 YOU ENGAGE IN THE "PURSUER-DISTANCER" DYNAMIC
In this dynamic, one person in the marriage constantly pursues the other for more
closesness, confiding, or time together while the other constantly avoids interaction. Over time,
the pursuer gets more desperate, hurt, and angry and the distancer gets more sullen, shut
down, and rejecting.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
* Take responsibility for your part of the dynamic. This means learning how to communicate,
be assertive, act generously, and own your character flaws.
* If you often have a conversation in your head about divorce, you should let your partner in on
it while there's still time to save your marriage. One large study found that 25% of men were
completely surprised when their wives served them with divorce papers. And 75% of the time
women initiate divorce.
* Seek professional help. Just because it feels hopeless doesn't always mean that it is.
* Make efforts to confide in your partner. Even if you're frustrated with the state of your
marriage, confiding is a demonstration of need and trust; this behavior may help to get your
relationship on a better footing.
* If you engage in the pursuer-distance dynamic, try switching your role. If you've been a
pursuer, back off for the next 2 months and see if your partner comes to you. If you're a
distancer, try approaching your partner much more consistently.
| 2007 March Article - by Joshua Coleman, Ph.D. Top 5 Signs You May Be Heading For Divorce |
| BizSimplicity ™ Simplified Strategies that Increase Business Success! 619.287.2822 |
Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and
relationships. He is a frequent guest on The Today Show and Good Morning America, and
has appeared on ABC 20/20, The BBC, AOL Online Coaches, and numerous news programs
for FOX, ABC, and NBC television. His advice and commentary have appeared in The New
York Times, The Times of London, Psychology Today, and many other publications.
Dr. Coleman is our "Expert-tease" professional contributor in Write4Good Communication's
January 2007 "Acts of Excellence" issue. You can contact him at www.drjoshuacoleman.com
relationships. He is a frequent guest on The Today Show and Good Morning America, and
has appeared on ABC 20/20, The BBC, AOL Online Coaches, and numerous news programs
for FOX, ABC, and NBC television. His advice and commentary have appeared in The New
York Times, The Times of London, Psychology Today, and many other publications.
Dr. Coleman is our "Expert-tease" professional contributor in Write4Good Communication's
January 2007 "Acts of Excellence" issue. You can contact him at www.drjoshuacoleman.com
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